I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
