I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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