I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
