so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Screwed.edu
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
