I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
...so i touched it.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
