I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
