you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
