I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
