kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
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Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
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my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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