Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
