hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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