My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
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Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
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Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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