i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
