i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
