have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
