When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
You left your phone here
Wait...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
