just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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