Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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