He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
