I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
