Please, let me fuck your mom
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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