I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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