haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
