I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
