I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
