I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
