6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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