In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
you made out with another girl for some wings
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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