I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
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I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
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Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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