I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
