i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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