meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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