Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
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why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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