i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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