I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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