You're completely useless in the revolution.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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