I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
