I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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