How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
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I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
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My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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