my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
