Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
