there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
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we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
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If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing