I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
