I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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