i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
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