Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
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The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
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I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
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