Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
