There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
