I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
