all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
my shit smells like andre
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
