____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
