The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
