I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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