Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You pole danced in your parka.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
